I was tidying up the other day and noticed the little crystal butterfly that sits on our fireplace mantle had toppled over. It’s not currently in plain sight, with a basket of wipes and diapers sitting in front of it, put up there so Molly doesn’t use them on her babies and buddies. Though I didn’t give it much thought, I made sure to tip it upright, because it holds a special place in my heart. My husband bought it for us to remember the baby we lost.
My miscarriage no longer holds the title of Most Traumatic Event in my life. That honour now goes to when Molly had her febrile seizure almost a year ago. The thought of it sends me into panic mode and I want to breakdown and cry. Thinking of losing our baby no longer does that to me but it’s not something I will ever forget.
Though I wouldn’t say I’m healed (I don’t think that a loss like that can ever completely heal), it definitely doesn’t impact me as it did once. Time, I guess, is a factor. And making it through two subsequent pregnancies without incident helped. But the clincher is probably knowing we aren’t having any more babies. My mind can now be at rest and not worry about something happening again. With both Molly and Oliver I didn’t completely believe they were safe until they were on my arms.
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I’m thinking of those of you who I know have experienced loss and of those of you who have chosen to remain silent. Always know, you are not alone.